Who needs vaccines when you can just eat organic kale?

March 9, 2015
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VaccineI heard from my friend Larry at spin class that vaccines can cause autism.

It’s true, because he read it on a blog. Larry’s a pretty informed guy. He’s vegan, after all.

There’s been a lot of debate in the news lately about vaccines and whether they’re safe. Media-types have been lining up physicians and public health officials to reassure us that vaccinating our children is the responsible thing to do, but I’m still not convinced.

I don’t know about you, but I’m more inclined to believe a guy like Larry than some so-called expert at Health Canada who relies on science to back up his opinions. Why should we trust the Canadian medical establishment and its army of doctors and researchers who have spent their careers applying evidence to the problems we face?

Larry believes medicine should be much more spiritual than that. He once cured his athlete’s foot simply by meditating about it. He really knows his stuff — he also makes his own ponchos, because he told me the cotton in store-bought clothes causes cancer.

Larry is also a firm believer that we wouldn’t even have a measles problem if everyone just switched to an all-organic diet and practised hot yoga daily. It’s true — all my friends on my whole food chat group agree organics are the only safe way to ward off most of the ailments and diseases known to us today.

It makes sense, if you think about it. If God didn’t want us to eat ethically raised, organic kale from California at $19.99 a pound, he wouldn’t put it in our natural foods grocery stores year-round for us to enjoy. It’s just nature’s way, really.

Larry says conventional food can’t be trusted anymore because it’s grown by farmers, and everyone knows most of them still eat gluten, which I hear also causes cancer. And if God wanted us to eat gluten, he wouldn’t have invented rice cakes.

Larry says the real problem today is modern medicine — no, all of science — itself. It’s so focused on reason, on evidence, on facts that it ignores the most important part of the equation: what about guessing? For years, guessing has guided us through some of the most difficult decisions we had to face.

Larry has a guess about vaccines, and that’s good enough for me.

Maybe we need to go back in time to an era before modern medicine tried to dictate how we should live our lives. Maybe we need to go way back, back to the Middle Ages, to that wonderful, carefree time before vaccines when no one died from infectious diseases, when we all lived long, healthy lives and you could solve most outbreaks by sacrificing a goat or two.

But, sadly, we live in 2015 and we can’t go back in time. Although Larry tells me the government discovered a way to time-travel back in the ’80s, but they don’t want you to know about it.

It’s exciting to think that most of our medical problems today could be cured withoutmedicine. But Larry says the doctors are trying to cover that up, too.

He also told me if those poor people in West Africa would just switch to an all-vegan, all-organic, gluten-free diet, they would be so healthy that the Ebola virus wouldn’t stand a chance. Next time someone walks into a Red Cross field hospital complaining of a fever, they should just give them a kale smoothie.

Larry says he could even send them a blog post about nature’s super foods, if they wanted.

Greg Mercer is a Guelph-based writer whose column appears every third Saturday. He can reached at greg_mercer@hotmail.com and past columns can be read at gregmercer.ca. Follow him on Twitter at @MercerRecord.

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