My predictions for 2015…

January 14, 2015
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The SwamiPredicting the future can be messy business. That’s why the research team at the Mercer Retort takes special care when consulting with clairvoyants, speculators and crystal balls, giving you only the choicest cuts of prophecy.

Without further delay, here are my predictions for 2015:

In an effort to improve transparency, Guelph Mayor Cam Guthrie will remove all doors on city hall washrooms. Pee breaks among city staff will drop off sharply, dramatically improving efficiency.

Guthrie will manage to fix all those damaged sidewalks around town with the proceeds from a new TV talent show called “The Guelph Factor.” Contestants on the show will be chosen based on their ability to delay performing a song long enough until the judges finally give up and walk away.

You will wake up hungover in a park three days after New Year’s Eve, wearing a woman’s housecoat and a lampshade for a hat. You will vow to never, ever again do brunch with Rob Ford.

Oil prices will continue to slide, prompting a benefit concert for Canada’s energy companies. Bob Geldof will be cryogenically unfrozen to deliver a rousing version of Don’t They Know It’s Christmas?

City councillor James Gordon will return from his tour of Alberta, where he’s performing his play about Stephen Harper, announcing his new album of protest songs will be funded by Suncor Energy Inc. Suspiciously, he’ll be wearing a ten-gallon hat and driving a Hummer.

After appealing his conviction in the 2011 robocalls scandal, Conservative party scapegoat Michael Sona will launch his farm animal rescue foundation called Escaped Goats. His fry wagon specializing in poutine will do brisk business.

The Maple Leafs will try to break out of their funk by using the Flying V formation against opponents, since it worked so effectively in “The Mighty Ducks” movie. Randy Carlyle will wake up in a cold sweat, finding Emilio Estevez at the foot of his bed.

The National Football League will unveil its new anti-domestic violence campaign, featuring celebrity spokespersons Bill Cosby and Jian Ghomeshi. Americans everywhere will celebrate by buying more Ray Rice jerseys.

You will win a free trip anywhere in the world that Malaysia Airlines flies. You will not take that trip, and be very, very glad. You’ll choose to fly Air Canada instead, and your luggage will be promptly lost somewhere in the Indian Ocean.

The Ebola epidemic will continue to wreak havoc in West Africa, causing Canadians to worry their tummy ache was possibly caused by that African-looking man they passed in the mall.

Islamic State militants will issue a new decree stating it’s immoral for women to sneeze in public around a man who isn’t their husband. They will celebrate the new decree by killing infidels and passing around copies of Playboy hidden inside the Koran.

Your columnist will continue to miss his deadlines for filing Guelph Mercury columns by blaming the economy. When his editors say that excuse makes no sense, he’ll say he can’t work under these conditions.

The Toronto Blue Jays will tell fans that This. Is. Finally. The. Year. They. Will. Reach. The. Playoffs, after a 22-year drought. But they will really mean it this time. No seriously. Really, really mean it …

Property taxes will rise. Well, d’uh.

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