Deep thoughts from a first-time father

January 14, 2015
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DiapersI became a father this week. Which means, in medical terms, the icy box in which I keep my heart has been melted and handed over to a tiny girl named Norah who weighs seven pounds and 12 ounces.

In my first few days of fatherhood, I have learned many things. And I have many, many wise observations to share, so let’s not waste any time … (snoring sounds).

Sorry, I nodded off there for a few minutes and it appears I left a little puddle of drool on my laptop. New fathers don’t sleep very much, I can tell you that. Let me just dab that up and (baby crying sounds) … sorry – I’ll be right back.

(45 minutes later)

So, as I was saying, fatherhood is a remarkable (wife calls out) … What’s that? Is it tar-like or more like mustard? What colour is it? Yellowish-brown or greenish-brown? She got it where? How did it get up there? But isn’t that on the ceiling? How stinky is it? … Excuse me for a moment.

(15 minutes later)

OK, I’m back. My apologies. I believe I was beginning to talk about how being a first-time father is a bit like … Hold on, there’s something stuck to my thumb. It looks like I left some Nutella behind, which is strange since I don’t remember having any … oh wait. Ugh, yes I believe I have a bit of poo stuck to my thumb. I’ll be back in a second after I find another wet-nap.

(Ten minutes later)

Ah, yes. Fatherhood. One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is that babies don’t care if you – excuse me again, I’ll just be a minute. Terribly sorry about this.

(Twenty minutes later).

Sorry about that, Norah started getting the hiccups and I was paralyzed to leave the room until they passed. Then she opened her eyes and I really couldn’t leave. Now where was I? Yes, about the joys of entering into parenthood. So, you see … Hold on.

(Three hours later)

My sincere apologies. After changing Norah’s diaper again, I guess I stopped to hold her for a moment, and lost half an hour watching her sleep. She does this little thing where she shudders when she takes a deep breath. I kind of dozed off just staring at her.

Then I guess I spent the rest of the time just smelling my daughter’s head. I realize that’s a strange thing to say, but have you honestly ever smelled the top of a newborn’s head?

If you have and claim you don’t like it, you’re lying to yourself and you know it. I’m pretty sure if newborn smell could be bottled and sold, the perfume industry would go out of business within a week.

So where was I? Oh yes, on the joys of fatherhood. It’s a special institution, and I’m proud to … Hold on … (wife calls out) … The powder or the cream? I think I left it in the diaper bag. How did she do that? Is it yellowish-brown or greenish brown?

Where was I? Saying something about being a new dad, I think. I’m starting to worry this column will never get finished. Wait. Hold on – I’ll be right back.

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