I have never tried cookies – next question

November 14, 2013

Ahem. Good afternoon. I’d like to thank you all for coming to this news conference.

I’m sure by now that everybody has heard the allegations against me involving the cookies that have disappeared from the cupboard. I wish I could come out and defend myself, but unfortunately I can’t because it’s before the courts and that’s all I can say right now. I have no reason to resign as Man of the House.

What do you have to say about these allegations in the media that there’s a video that shows you eating the cookies?

How can I comment on a video I’ve never seen or does not exist? I don’t eat cookies, and I have never tried cookies in my life.

What about reports by journalists who saw you in the video and spoke to the man who filmed it?

It’s all part of the media’s campaign to discredit me.

But what of these stories of you at public events and appearing to be heavily under the influence of cookies?

It’s a smear campaign.

What about this picture taken of you outside a known cookie house? What were you doing there?

That’s ridiculous. Next question.

The chief of police, also known as your wife, says she’s disappointed with you. How do you respond?

Next question.

How long have you been eating cookies for? Do you have a cookie addiction?

These allegations are ridiculous. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve already answered your questions on that. Next question.

Is this appropriate behaviour for the Man of the House?

Listen, the people put me in charge of this kitchen to clean up the gravy and that’s what I’m going to do.

What do you have to say to the citizens of this city?

Don’t you guys want to talk about anything else? Next question.

What about the charges against your close associate, the household dog, who’s been accused of trafficking cookies?

He’s a good dog and I don’t throw my friends under the bus.

What can you say about this 500-page court document that shows you’ve been under police surveillance for months in connection with the missing cookies? Why have you been meeting with known cookie eaters?

Does anybody want to talk about subways?

We’re told your close friend, the dog, tried to retrieve the alleged cookie video and has since been charged with extortion. Can you comment on that?

I’ve already answered that. He’s a good dog. Next question.

What can you tell us about the nature of your friendship?

He occasionally goes for walks with me. That’s it. Next question.

What about reports you’ve been meeting him in area parks?

No comment.

What about reports in some media outlets that your cookie habit dates back to the 1980s, according to multiple sources?

That’s just ridiculous. No comment.

Aren’t those cookie crumbs on the corners of your mouth?

What? No, that’s ridiculous. Next question.

Yes, they’re right there. We can see them. Those are cookie crumbs on your face. They’re there right now.

This press conference is over. Now get off my property, partner.

But Man of the House, you haven’t answered our questions.

What part of this don’t you understand? Get off my property! Thank you.

- Guelph Mercury, Nov. 2, 2013

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