What to expect in 2013

January 14, 2013
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After exhaustive research, consultations with many crystal balls and several cat naps, I have come up with a comprehensive guide to what to expect in the year ahead.

Without further delay, here are my predictions for 2013.

1. I will miss the deadline for my end-of-year column and file a “2013 predictions” column about two weeks too late in January. It will be met with underwhelming fanfare by my three loyal readers and will immediately be forgotten when someone else tweets a picture of a kitty in a funny hat.

2. In protest over Bill 115, public school teachers in Ontario will spend their free time since cutting out extracurricular activities by reading about the outside world and interacting with people who don’t work as teachers. Shocked by what they learn, they quietly get back to doing their jobs and hope no one noticed that whole Bill 115-protest thing.

3. The National Hockey League will win back the hearts of angry fans after a long and protracted lockout by introducing a new charity game where the players will don top hats and monocles and play their servants and chauffeurs. The losers will have to buy a crate of caviar for the winners. The NHL will use proceeds from the game to buy puffers for the TV and radio pundits who have been hyperventilating over hockey’s return.

4. Millions of Canadians’ New Year’s resolutions to improve their health and lose weight will come off the rails after the potato chip industry releases a revolutionary new line of potato chips in the shape of various pieces of exercise equipment. The Sweet & Sour Treadmill variety will be especially delicious.

5. Stephen Harper will vow to finally, once and for all, address the concerns of the Idle No More movement and take action on every First Nations file from education to treaty rights. After about 10 minutes of trying that, he’ll go back to watching the Gangnam Style video on YouTube in a repetitive loop.

6. The Hamilton Tiger-Cats will get lost on the drive to Guelph along Highway 6 and will be forced to play their first home game from an elementary school soccer field somewhere in Puslinch Township. The Toronto Argonauts will not be amused and will demand their coach take them out to Dairy Queen after the game.

7. After buying out the Zellers chain in 2011, Target will unveil its new store in the former Zellers location on Stone Road in Guelph. Shoppers will remark that this new retail chain offering affordable household goods and clothes made in China is far superior to the former retail chain that offered, uh, affordable household goods and clothes made in China.

8. At some point in the near future, your columnist will do the dishes and clean the kitchen while his dog works hard to seek out the stinkiest, most rotten thing in the compost bin and eat it. Your columnist’s wife will come home and praise the dog for being cute, while I’ll be scolded for leaving socks on the floor.

9. Canadians will be pleased to learn Canada won’t be sending troops into Mali to help remove al-Qaida from the African country. They’ll be less pleased, however, once they learn al-Qaida is a terrorist group bent on jihad and not Al Kaida, their lovable gym coach from Grade 7.

10. The Toronto Maple Leafs will sell out every game this season and still miss the playoffs. Granted, that’s not much of a prediction.

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