Let’s run these beavers out of town

March 26, 2012

Look into their cold, beady eyes my friends. Do you see any speck of compassion, any concern for our well-being?

No you do not. Why? Because beavers do not have hearts. They do not care for our troubles. They do not care for us. Beavers care only for themselves and nothing else.

But I am mistaken. There is one thing beavers care for more than themselves. And that’s killing our trees. And they will stop at nothing to kill and maim and destroy as many of them as possible.

Think about it. They creep around at all hours of the night, doing God knows what, swimming completely nude in our rivers and generally acting like they own the place. It just goes against the natural order of things.

Norm Bazinet, an aquatic biologist, recently raised the alarm about these oversized rats who are slowly taking over our city, leaving a path of stumps and wood chips behind. He’s talking Armageddon, beaver-style.

“If the population gets high enough, and I have seen situations where the population is high enough, they will take out whole forests,” he said.

Whole forests. Imagine that — a creature so callous it wipes out entire forests with little concern for living things. It’s simply unbelievable. It’s chilling.

Bob Bell, the city councillor, says the problem has gotten so out of hand along the banks of the Eramosa and Speed rivers we need to start shipping the beavers out of here.

“I think we’ve had what could be called an infestation of beaver activity,” he said.

I say pack ’em up and ship ’em back to where they came from: Russia, probably. Let’s act fast before they overrun our entire civilization.

Strangely, plenty of people have rushed to the defence of these cold-blooded beavers in recent weeks, flooding newspapers’ editorial pages with heartfelt tributes. But I think if we’re honest with ourselves, we all know where those letters really came from.

They were probably written by beavers themselves.

So I’m here to say it: listen up, beavers. The party’s over. For too long, you’ve been terrorizing defenceless humans with your wanton destruction of our trees. Some of those trees are in our parks, too, where we like to play Frisbee.

And that just hurts.

Throughout history, you’ve felled trees to build your own dams, canals and lodges, as if snubbing your noses at all the perfectly fine human buildings around you. What? You think you’re better than us, beavers?

And really, is there no end to your need for trees? Plenty of creatures in the animal kingdom make do with no trees at all, but oh no, not you beavers — you want all the trees you can chop down with your greedy little mouths.

I, for one, am not going to stand for it anymore. I’m putting you beavers on notice. Every single last one of you. I’m sticking up for the little guy. The humans.

Oscar Wilde, the legendary Irish fur trapper, had it right. The only good beaver is the one draped around your shoulders in a luxurious fur coat.

I say we start taking our town back, one beaver skin coat at a time. I say it’s high time someone finally said “Hey beavers, I’ve had it up to here with your attitude.”

While we’re at it, I say we take the beasts off our nickel coin, too, and replace them with something far more regal and symbolic of Canada. Like the skunk. When’s the last time you saw a skunk kill a tree?

- Guelph Mercury, March 31, 2012

2 Responses to Let’s run these beavers out of town

  1. Donna DuBreuil on March 29, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    We really enjoyed ‘Let’s run these beavers out of town’. Best way to deal with the ridiculous is to make fun of it.

    Seeing such refreshing common sense prompted me to look at some of your other columns. Kudos too for ‘Don’t miss the forest for the trees’. Right on.

    Donna DuBreuil
    Ottawa-Carleton Wildlife Centre

  2. Karen Levenson on March 29, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    I have read your column in the Guelph Mercury on the Guelph beaver “crisis” three or four times and have passed it on to others. It was hilariously funny, thoughtful and insightful. Humour can be a wonderfully disarming tool and you used it brilliantly in your column of a few weeks ago. I am hopeful it will make people think about what we humans do to take down whole forests and how ludicrous it is for people to fear monger about wildlife.

    Thank you,


    Karen Levenson
    Animal Alliance of Canada

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