The week’s news in 600 words or less

March 5, 2012

What a wild week for news. Without warning, Guelph was thrown into the national media spotlight. The stories only grew stranger by the minute.

If you’re looking for someone to explain it all, call Peter Mansbridge. But if he’s busy, here’s all you really need to know:

Robo-calls: A rash of phone calls made by a group of robots who really, really didn’t want you to vote Liberal in the last election. Somehow they overthrew their human masters and figured out how to make long-distance phone calls to anyone who wasn’t a Conservative party supporter in tight races. Just let this be a lesson next time you start thinking how cute R2D2 looks.

Pierre’s Poutine: A small, Macdonell Street poutine joint that secretly doubles as the front for robots trying to undermine democracy in Canada. Try the smoked-meat poutine. It’s lovely.

Elections Canada: “Hello, you’ve reached Elections Canada. There’s no one available to take your call right now. At the tone, please leave your message. We’ll add it to the thousands of other complaints we’ve received and done nothing with.”

Tiger Dunlop: A legendary Scottish booze hound who apparently helped John Galt establish Guelph while drunk on whisky. Historians say he was looking for street meat and trying to call his ex-girlfriend when he stumbled on the perfect location to start a new settlement. He must have been really pickled — because why else would anyone choose to live this close to Toronto?

Condos: It turns out they’re worse to wake up next to than that cougar from the human resources department. Residents who are trying to build a time machine to bring Guelph back to the 1950s are also fighting plans to build condo towers in the downtown core. What do they think this is, a growing city?

The Oscars: An annual party of tanned millionaires congratulating each other on another year of tricking regular schmucks like us to pay $26.50 for a movie about a war horse that can’t even talk and a bag of salty popcorn.

Billie Crystal: Apparently, still alive. See above.

The Maple Leafs: According to archeologists, there was once a successful franchise that played the ancient sport of iced-hockey and went by this name in the city of Toronto. But that was many moons ago. Before you were born, kid.

Ron Wilson: Coach of said Leafs. Please call for resume. Can send references upon request.

Syria: A repressive Arab state where a dictatorship is killing its own people. No, not Iraq. No, we can’t go in there and help them. They’ll have to save themselves. Why? Because it’s complicated. Just trust me. We shouldn’t get involved. Also, they don’t have any oil.

Afghanistan: Huh? That’s still around? I thought they rejoined Russia or something.

Austerity: A new fragrance worn by federal Finance Minister Jim Flaherty. Mmmm, smells like belt tightening.

SNC-Lavalin: Canada’s largest engineering firm and a model of ethical business practices. Also, they lost their wallet in Libya when it was still ruled by the Gadhafi regime and $35-million went missing. If you’ve seen it, please call them.

Apple: A California fruit company that this week joined the most exclusive club in big business when its market value topped $500 billion — a feat that only Microsoft, Intel, Cisco, General Electric and ExxonMobil had previously accomplished. Now that’s a lot of pies!

Mitt Romney: An American politician aiming to be runner-up in the next U.S. presidential election.

Ontario: Please send money. Pretty please?

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