My predictions for 2012

December 31, 2011
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If we could see into the future, how our lives would be different.

I would probably never have grown that mullet in Grade 3, for starters. But enough about that. On this day, as another December prepares to fade from view, we’re looking forward, not back.

Without further delay, here are my predictions for 2012.

• You will wake up the morning after New Year’s Eve with a very bad headache, gaps in your memory and a lampshade for a hat. Strangely, your face will begin to appear on cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon under the title “missing person.”

• Sales of skinny jeans will plummet when teenagers everywhere learn you can achieve the same flattering look with a $5 can of blue spray paint.

• Iran will “unfriend” America on Facebook. America will respond by creeping on Iran’s new friends Libya and Syria and spreading hurtful rumours that Iran is a bad kisser.

• In response to Ontario’s crushing $16-billion debt and troubled credit rating, public sector employees will tighten their belts and cut their lunchtime massages down to one hour. They’ll get carried away and reduce their wage demands to increases of only 10 per cent per year, for life.

• Finance Minister Dwight Duncan’s warnings that hard times are ahead will cause everyone who works for the government to consider jobs in the private sector. After looking up the words layoff, recession and cost-cutting in the dictionary, they will come back to their senses.

• Teenagers who read this column will ask their parents, “What’s a dictionary?” And, “Is there an app for that?”

• Canadians will boycott all British imports after learning hockey and curling will not be sports featured in the Summer Olympics in London. Buckingham Palace will make amends by sending us a signed portrait of Princess Kate, and we’ll forget what we were so mad about.

• Europe’s credit crisis will continue to threaten Canadians’ jobs and incomes. It will be revealed that Canada’s economy isn’t pinned around productivity or job creation as some foolishly thought, but around the fortunes of Liechtenstein, a tiny country of 35,000 people where nine out of 10 citizens think Canada is a city somewhere in North Dakota.

• Princess Kate will demand to know why palace staff sent her signed portrait to an obscure city somewhere in North Dakota.

• Dead North Korean leader Kim Jong Il will resurface this July in a cameo role in Weekend at Bernie’s 3. Set in the capital of Pyongyang, the movie will focus on the country’s attempts to build an even larger nuclear arsenal while its people starve. Hilarity will ensue.

• Concerned that Canadians are increasingly worrying about their rising household debt levels, Visa will come up with an innovative solution — a new credit card aimed at infants called Baby’s First Visa.

• The Vancouver Canucks will make hockey history by finally winning the Stanley Cup. Canucks fans will celebrate by destroying their beloved city in riots that baffle the rest of the world. Or they won’t win, and riots will still ensue. It doesn’t really matter.

• Property taxes will rise. Hey, I never claimed predicting the future was rocket science.

Greg Mercer is a Guelph-based writer. His column appears every third Saturday. He can be reached at greg_mercer@hotmail.com, and past columns can be read at gregmercer.ca

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