My predictions for 2011

January 5, 2011

You’ve tried horoscopes and gypsies. Financial planners and Harvard economists. And yet none of them have been able to accurately predict the future.

My only question is this: Why didn’t you come to me sooner? Columnists have been accurately predicting the future since cavemen first wore mullets. It’s kind of what we do.

So, without further ado, here are my predictions for 2011.

• Ontarians, determined to follow through on their New Year’s resolutions, will head to fitness clubs in record numbers, hogging the treadmills and weight machines like never before. By February, those same gyms will empty, as Ontarians refocus their energies on the Milkshake of the Week club.

• Leaked diplomatic cables revealed on WikiLeaks will show most ambassadors had pretty much forgotten Canada was its own country. “Canada? Isn’t that somewhere in the Appalachians?” the German ambassador will write.

• Toronto Mayor Rob Ford will finally stop the gravy train that has plagued Canada’s largest city for far too long. He’ll replace it with a massive ice cream float that can be eaten in the hollowed-out skulls of the city’s cyclists.

• A women’s auxiliary brownie fundraiser will have unprecedented sales when the ladies’ van breaks down next to the University of Guelph’s Johnston Green on April 20, during the annual pot festival known as 4-20.

• Efforts to get young people to vote in the impending federal election will backfire when teenage girls flock to the polls in record numbers. Their choice for prime minister? Justin Bieber.

• Your columnist will start the year with a dozen fresh new pairs of socks. After taking great care to launder and manage his socks, he’ll close out 2011 with only three socks left, none with any matches.

• After waiting years, commuters will celebrate the return of Go Train service to Guelph. Premier Dalton McGuinty will ride the inaugural train into the city, declaring to the townsfolk gathered around: “Umm, so this is Guelph? Jeeze. Really? We kind of hoped it would be bigger than this.”

• The man of the house will declare that this is the year he finally gets that vibrating massage chair/kitchen beer tap/Playboy channel, and he doesn’t care what the lady of the house says. By April, he’ll retreat to his man cave, defeated, and sulk for the rest of the summer.

• The Toronto Blue Jays will rally fans around a new vision guaranteed to pack the Rogers Centre night after night. They’ll call it the Race for Fourth Place.

• Wellington County councillors will send a breakup mix-tape to Guelph city councillors, featuring songs like How Can You Mend a Broken Heart and Love Stinks. They will also send an accompanying photo album showing them having a really great time with attractive councillors from Georgetown.

• Another sink hole will be found on Baker Street, after engineers discover previous city planners had the troubled street built on top of a canal filled entirely with used hot air balloons.

• Apple Corp. will unveil its latest revolutionary gadget: The iPoacher. This clever device can cook an egg to perfection and allow you to upload photos of your eggs to all your friends on Facebook with a few clicks of a button.

• The American economy will continue to show signs of recovery. The biggest sign? A new trend in home construction popularized by minimum-wage earners that builds walls out of unemployment cheques. Congress will celebrate by repealing health-care reforms for the poor.

• The Toronto Maple Leafs will miss the playoffs, once again. Hey – I never claimed predicting the future was rocket science.

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