2010: You read it here first

December 30, 2009

Guelph Mercury, 30/12/09crystal-ball

These are confusing times.

But relax, dear readers. If poorly-paid newspaper columnists are good at anything, it’s telling you exactly what will happen before it happens.
So get out your notepads. Without further delay, here are the Mercer Retort’s predictions for 2010.

1) The young woman who tackled Olympic torchbearer Cortney Hansen as she ran through downtown Guelph will get a job working for Fire Prevention Canada. She will be let go after tackling the local fire marshal as he stepped outside to light a cigarette.

2) Canadians will once again stop buying pork in the wake of the latest superbug, H1N6 – also known as Squirrel Flu – even though it is impossible to get sick from eating pork. Sadly, the virus will not be fatal to squirrels. Strangely, it will still cost $3 to buy a hot dog on the street.

3) The Toronto Blue Jays will emerge from spring training dramatically restructured and ready to win. They will be quicker, younger and more talented – and they will still finish in fourth place in the American League East division.

4) To make ends meet, Tiger Woods will take a job at the Victoria West Golf Course arranging tee times. Strangely, female memberships at the club will quadruple. Fire hydrants everywhere will cower.

5) Bob Dylan will release an album of Easter-themed songs, sung mostly in Mongolian. The album will be recorded in just one afternoon, despite the fact Dylan was suffering from a bad throat infection. Die-hard Dylan fans will hail the work as his best yet.

6) Norfolk Street will continue to be shut down due to construction until late spring. In May, the project foreman will realize he left his watch buried under the new road, and work crews will tear up the asphalt, shutting the street down until winter. It was a nice watch, so, you know.

7) The stock market will continue its remarkable rebound, making Bay Street brokers incredibly wealthy. They will celebrate by eating gold bullion from the hollowed-out skulls of the unemployed.

Stephen Harper will appear on stage playing the piano with a reformed Lovin’ Spoonful. He’ll play a passionate rendition of Do You Believe in Magic, marked by a solo so powerful the recession will disappear as the song reaches its climax.

9) Someone, somewhere will protest a development in Guelph.

10) Someone, somewhere will protest the protest of the development in Guelph. Many letters to the editor will ensue.

11) After emerging from near-collapse, General Motors will turn a new page by developing a cutting-edge vehicle that uses no fossil fuels, emits no greenhouse gases and actually makes its driver healthier. What will they call it? The sneaker.

12) Canada will haul in seven medals in curling at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver, and Americans will finally recognize our curling superiority and respond by saying ‘Curling? Is that a sport?’

13) The loonie will finally reach parity with the U.S. dollar. Canadians will celebrate by sending a truckload of beaver skins south of the border. Americans will respond by asking “Why did we get a truckload of beaver skins from Maine?’

14) Guelph city council will spend $10,000 on a pilot project designed to get college students to stop peeing against downtown buildings after a night at the bars. Shockingly, the project won’t work.

15) Guelph city council will slash spending on public projects not related to pissoirs and increase salaries for staff.  And property taxes in the City of Guelph will rise. Well, duh.

Greg Mercer is a Guelph-based freelance writer. His column appears Wednesdays. He can be reached at greg_mercer@hotmail.com, and past columns can be read at gregmercer.ca

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